INTEGRITY is what's on my mind today.

When I was in line at the airport the other day, a bunch of soldiers were getting off a plane and the whole airport erupted into applause as they walked by. I just froze, just stood there. I didn't clap, even though I support our troops. I do support them. I can't imagine what it must be like to do what they do. But at the same time, I'm 100% against this war and I am disgusted by some of the things our troops have done, like torturing Iraqi prisoners. But why didn't I clap for these soldiers? I'm not against them, I'm against what other people are doing. I don't really know. I just know that at that moment, I felt that clapping for them meant that I supported the war. Was there integrity in holding my applause?

I'm also in a bit of a spiritual dilemma. I am part of the Orthodox church, but I strongly disgree with its attitude toward women. Yet there is so much about the Orthodox church that I love - the liturgy, the tradition, the mystical piety. But then, I think about the answer I would give someone who asked me why I'd stay in a church that doesn't allow me to exercise my spiritual gifts to their full potential. There are no good answers to that question. And I complain about the Orthodox church an awful lot, as much as I say I love it and don't want to leave it. Is there integrity in my choice to remain there?

Am I a person who lives her life with integrity?