there's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost

dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper

and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels

my bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost

you are shadowing my dreams
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)
(in love with your ghost)

SO... tired...

After a lovely week at Springdale, I'm now in Watertown, MA chaperoning Sports Weekend. I love the hotel I'm staying at because it provides free wireless internet. God bless the person who invented wireless internet.

I was starting to regret volunteering to chaperone this weekend, but when I got on the bus I got this jolt of energy. I love being there for kids. I love the responsibility of watching and keeping them, of being an example for them and being God's presence in their lives. It energizes me, brings God's voice alive in my heart. But this weekend becomes an emotional roller coaster because there's things like last night, when everybody's gathered in the church for vespers before they go home. And I stand there, as people are filing in, looking up at the altar where five teenage boys are standing, some of questionable character, vested in their shabigs, preparing for the evening service, and then I listen to them chant and hear the strains of performance in their supposedly worshipping voices, and my heart breaks. Literally. I can feel it aching. Aching to serve God in a more profound way than standing in the back of the church telling kids to stop talking. Aching to lead worship. Aching because I know that the only reason I can't is because of my gender. Aching because I see that faith and moral character are not necessary for boys or men who want to serve. Aching because some of those men and boys who are leaders and examples today are not people I would ever admire or follow. Aching to have true role models of faith in my life. Aching to be inspired by faithful leadership. And I hear the echoes in my head of people asking me whether my new job is going to be enough to satisfy me. And I think, in some ways yes, but in other ways no. I will not be totally satisfied doing "consolation prize" work and ignoring the voice of God in my heart. The heartache will not stop until I do.

WHAT A WEEKEND! What a whirlwind!

Good things came from it all though:
1) I have a job!
2) One of my closest friends is now married to a great guy who treats her well.
3) One of my best friends had to have doctors cut her open and remove some yucky bad stuff, but now she's all patched up and recovering.
4) I have the whole week off to lounge in a huge beautiful house with a piano room while I dog-sit for two adorable little Dachshunds.

It has been a while since I've posted on my blog and a bunch has happened.
1) I graduated from seminary!
2) I have interviewed for 2 jobs that seem to want to sign me on!
3) I went to my friends' wedding.
4) I'm going to one of my best friends from college's wedding this weekend.
5) I have a meeting about my summer camp job tomorrow morning.
6) I have become VERY excited about moving to NYC.

Here's a token picture from graduation - me and our seminary president.

I'M GRADUATING!!!

Today is the big day, and I have about 15 minutes of free time before the craziness begins. Things to note about today:

1) It's sunny, and I'm grateful.
2) If it gets as hot as it was yesterday I will go from zero to cranky in 2.6 seconds.
3) Don't dare me to do things, because I will. (thanks Markareed!)
4) I have the greatest family and friends in the whole wide world.

You have problems? There are nebulas exploding in outer space!

Baked Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream potato chips = late night snack of the gods.
With some Red Bull to wash it down.