27 July 2006

If you can't find a mechanic,
sometimes you just gotta grease your own wheels.

26 July 2006

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

What happens the third time?

22 July 2006

AT THE B&B

aaaahhhhh, the sweet sound of silence in the morning. admittedly the only thing i wish were different is that there is a skylight in my room which lets in WAY too much light WAY too early in the morning. i'm like a cavewoman - i want it dark and quiet. but that is nothing to complain about, considering i leisurely watched a movie last night and then chilled in the whirlpool and had a bubble bath. the air conditioning works great and i have a private bath. a perfect vacation from the craziness of camp for the weekend!

19 July 2006

My bitter pill to swallow

is the

SILENCE

that I keep.

18 July 2006

THE MOSQUITOES HAVE FOUND ME.

I am covered, covered, covered. Eaten alive. One or two of them even found my vardig line, thought it was a buffet table, and had a feast. Now all I want to do is scratch my vorig all day long. Unfortunately, that is rather inappropriate, especially when you're in charge of 100 campers. Well, I guess it's inappropriate anywhere.

13 July 2006

You know how everybody has those moments when you forget why you walked into a room? It's frustrating, to be certain. But what do you do when it happens ALL THE TIME for days on end??? I either need to sleep for the next 3 days or check myself into the local Alzheimer's ward. Does there ever come a point where the brain damage from sleep deprivation is irreversible? I think I may have reached that point, say, yesterday.

11 July 2006

OK so the apartment... not so much. Back to square one. Deal is off. No cigar. ARGH.

I need to vent about something else, something that I keep buried often but which, when it surfaces, hits me like a Mack truck. The worse part is, there is no safe way to vent about this particular thing. I can say, however, that I am beginning to marvel at men more and more. I say this not because any man has done something spectacular, but because I have become acutely aware of what it feels like to completely swallow your feelings about something for an extended length of time. When you are forced to swallow everything you're feeling, it takes its toll on you. You become callous and have to find another outlet for those feelings, which most often has nothing to do with that which you are dealing with, so you never really deal with what's bothering you. It's like trying to stuff too many people onto a subway. Maybe there'll always be a bit more room, but there comes a point where you have squished too many people into a subway car and the ride is terribly uncomfortable. All you can hope is that some people will get off at the next stop so you can have a bit of relief, some breathing room. Because if not, you're just going to have to get used to a cramped ride, which will only make you miserable. That's what it's like when you stuff all your emotions away. Maybe there's room for them, but at some point it gets too cramped inside and you need to make some breathing room so you don't go insane. I guess this is my way of making some breathing room, just talking about how I don't have any. Sigh.
It's amazing how everyday events become so huge and emotional when you haven't had any sleep.

NYC apartment - signed the lease yesterday. Practically had a panic attack. A normal person would have just gotten carpal tunnel from all the signatures you have to put on paper.

First big business meeting - sat there on edge the entire time. A normal person would have just passed notes with a neighbor until the thing was over.

Hotel reservations for the wedding I'm going to in 2 weeks - almost needed therapy over the phone for assurance it was the right place to book a reservation. A normal person would have whooped for joy that a room with a whirlpool at a nice B&B was still cheaper than the hotel down the street.

Seriously, people, I need some sleep.

08 July 2006

One of the things I will never understand is why people enjoy being cruel. I cannot understand why that is a desire in so many people, the desire to hurt other people, whether it be physically or emotionally. Now I know these are just kids I'm working with, and they still have a lot to learn, but one of the teenage boys told one of the teenage girls she was fat. The girl, of course, is ashamed to be seen in front of people now. And the worst thing is - this girl is FAR from fat. She is your everyday average 13 year old. She has an average, normal body and on top of it is an absolute sweetheart. She has so much soul. One of those kids who is deep beyond her years. But there is nothing anybody can say or do to reverse the effect of that one malicious stupid comment. It hurts me so much to see her feel this way that it makes me cry. And of course, her family has fed it by telling her things like "If you just lost a few pounds, you would look so much better." NOBODY should tell a teenage girl, EVER, that she needs to lose weight and isn't acceptable as she is. NEVER EVER EVER. It will scar her forever, and never for the better. She will develop some kind of eating disorder, guaranteed.

Pain. So much pain.

A shout out to Evanescence today...

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.

03 July 2006

I AM...

Settling in. Adjusting. Getting used to things. A bit overwhelmed. Very tired. Happy about being at camp. Grateful for my lodging here! Still anxious. A tad depressed. But harboring a sense of hope. Feeling detached. Satisfied by friendships made here. Thirsty. Ready for bed.